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VOL 5 NO 9 Mutur War Issue 4th August 2006

President Rajapassa Has Conference Whilst Mutur Is Burning War Starts! Oh! What A Glorious War! People Celebrate With Rockets by our war corr. Gin'n'tonic Dasa reporting from a posh hotel in Colombo (SCN 4-8-06) Today the Glorious Republic of Sri Rajapakse inaugurated a war in a God forsaken place called Mutur. Many people had been praying for a war after years of boring Peace! "Aiyo! Who wants Peace? War is more useful for the economy of the country and myself" said a man who wanted to remain anony-mouse. "I am the major string hopper supplier to the Army!" he proudly added. Meanwhile, thousands of rockets, Roman Candles and firecrackers of the Cheena Pattas type were employed gloriously lighting up the night sky! Thousands of lives were saved when not many people got killed. Meanwhile His Majesty President Rajapakse the First had a conference in Colombo (left). Propaganda War News Sri Lanka Army Many Tiger Terrorists Killed! Only One Soldier Lost! In the fearsome fighting in Mutur the Army killed 228 and-a-half Tiger cadres many of them child soldiers. Only one soldier was lost. Our brave soldiers fired rockets killing the Tigers......etc Many Soldiers Killed. Only One Eelam Fighter Lost! In the fierce fighting in Mutur the Eelam Freedom Fighters killed 253 Sri Lanka Army soldiers many of them child soldiers. Only one Eelam fighter was lost. Our brave.......etc Eelam Army

VOL 5 NO 8 Apologetic War Issue 29th June 2006

Tiger Apology Of No Use To Rajiv Gandhi by our corr. Velupillai Paithiyansingham (SCN Greater Vanni 27-06-2006) Rajiv Refuses To Come Back To Life Today, inspite of a gushing tearful apology from a Tiger, the late Rajiv Gandhi refused to come back to life. Earlier, the Tiger spokesperson had said "Very Shorry! Verry Verry Shorry and more shorry! (That'sh enough "shorry"! - Ed) but we made a sherious mistake when we killed him! We thought we could easily bring him back to life and so we killed him. A genuine mistake. Ennadah! It could happen to any terrorist organisation......." ******** However, the late Rajiv Gandhi was adament and refused to come back to life. "Those idiots are crazy! I don't want to get blown up and killed again and so I prefer to stay dead" said Rajiv in an exclusive interview with the Daily Pol-Thel....(Are you making thish up? - Ed) Other Apologies An Austrian gentleman by the name of A. Hitler apologised for starting the Second World War. Apologies were also recieved from Saloth Sar (aka Pol-Pot) of Cambodia (but the number of people killed is such that individual apologies will take some time!)......Jack The Ripper, Al-Queda, Taliban and the JVP...... Lanka Bans Coconut Bra Shock! by Pol Martin Aiya, (our corr in an amude in a coconut shack drinking Toddy out of a coconut shell) Above: Nice figure! Pity about the Pol Katu! Above: Idiot man wearing coconut bra! CLICK IMAGE Today, the CrazyRepublic banned the sale and or wearing of bras, bikini tops or other type of garb offensive to coconut trees. Previously, the country protested against some Bikinis which were offensive to some people. The country spends most of the time promising to ban something or the other. The latest action was prompted by the NSPCC (National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Coconuts). President of the NSPCC, Mrs Nucifera Polgaswatte (left) who once adopted a baby coconut said......and the Minister of Coconuts said that he fully agreed "The Coconut Tree is sacred to Sri Lankans! After all where would we get Toddy and Arrack from if not for the coconut"...and hoped he will get more votes banning coconut bras..etc. Next: Coconut Tapping To Be Banned! Shock (Readers will find more coconut bra pics in Google picture search! - Ed)

VOL 5 NO 7 No War Issue 24th June 2006

Aiyo Why No Blood? Woman Complains About Lack of Violence! Today, a SriLankan woman complained about the lack of violence in Crazy SriLanka. "Look at thish curtains! They are not blood stained no? Why is my house not blood stained when all my neighbours have blood stains everywhere? This is not fair! I need some bloodshed too! Why doesn't somebody throw grenades into my house? They no like me? If they like me they should throw grenades into my house. I want grenades thrown into my house! Only the other day my nextdoor neighbour found two human heads in her back garden. I looked everywhere in my garden hoping to find dead bodies, and you know what? All I found was a dead mouse! Thish is not fair. Start the war!" Other Violent Knews: Terrorists refer to other terrorists as "terrorists" shock! Today, a spokesterrorist for the Janatha Violent Party (JVP) refered to Tamil Tiger Terrorists as "Terrorists" completely and conveniently forgeting their own violent past... Totally disregard the news being displayed on any site other than the Daily News! We are a totally Independent non-Garment controlling..er..controlled.. media shite! Crazylanka is a foreign evil power trying to take over our glorioush country ads by Gaaaargle Don't advertise on this shite! Totally enjoy the news broadcast by the Daily Pol-Thel as we are not controlled by the Garment, the Tigers, NGOs, The Vatican, The JVP Pol-Pots nor by the United Fruit Company of Costa Rica (Washington DC)! ads by Gaaaargle Interfering Norwegians! War Process Stalls Due To Peace Efforts Shock! by our corr. Jathika Helaurumawansa SCN Jawatte Cemetary Eka, Colombo 24-06-2006 Schokingly shocking news emerging from the Crazy Republic of SriLanka indicated that the War Process was being sheriously compromisings...er...compromised and hampered (That'sh two big words in one sentence Sir!) by the so called Piss...er...Peace Efforts. In a country which has been at war for thousands of years the stinking peace efforts came as a unwelcome change. Having seriously invested in the War Infrastructure, both the Garment of Sri Crazylanka and the terrorist Tamil Tigers were unwilling to compromise years of hard work to a Peace Effort. I am not Prabhakaran! I am Jim Corbett's Tiger skin rug! Above: A dead Tiger peacemonger Right: A Leftist peacemonger "What are we going to fight if thish war ends ?" asked a member of one of the Armed Forces who agreed to talk to Srilanka Crazy News (SCN) on the grounds of anonymity. "We have an experienced fighting force which justs wants to go to war and get killed. We don't want peace! We want to fight!" His opposite number in the Crazy Eelam Tamil Tiger Forces, Ponniah Masalavaddai, echoed the same view. "Ennadah! Ennaku payithiam! Muruga vadivelu kotta kellengu karavadu pottuvil nagarkovil ondu erendu moondu....!" (I wish I had learnt shome Tamil before writing this rubbish Sir!)(That'sh enough Tamil! - Ed) It is generally understood that the war effort is being hampered by the interfering Norwegians who are only here to enjoy a free holiday in a nice country......(contd for another 2000 years) Parliament Observes One Minute of Noise Today, the Crazyparliament of Sri Lanka set a new something-or-the-other by observing two minutes of NOISE instead of two minutes of SILENCE! In general, the opinion of most people of Sri Lanka is that parliament should observe total silence...noise...silence...Noise...shut up! ...wahapiya Kata!...ado!... Parippuwa...ennada!..Para balla...(That'sh enough expletives! - Ed)..... LINK Photo Feature Eka (Left)Lanka Politicians on the way to the Parliament! (Note: The politicians are at the front of the cart and have four legs!) (Right) Latest accessory for female Tigers or Tigresses (What'sh a nice girl like you doing with Tigers like thish? - Ed) Cyanide Girlie? (Ennadah! Clicking of the image here!) MORE NON-WAR NEWS HERE SOON!

VOL 5 NO 6 Che Guevara Birthday Issue 14th June 2006

Heartbreaking News Eka: Trains Collide At Kalutara Without No Any Help Eka From Tigers! by our corr. Al Shabdi Fowzie (SCN Ministry of Transportations 14-06-06) Toddy...er...I mean Today... two trains collided at Kalutara Railway Station Eka when the Galle bound train was hit in the backside eka by the Matara bounding..er...bound train causing Aiyo, Aney, Appoy types of screams from the unfortunate passengers etc ......there was clear evidence of non-involvement of Tigers. Basically, the whole infrastructure-eka (Thatsh a big word eka, Editor shir!) is in such a mess eka that we don't need Tigers to destroy Apé Rata Eka! Meanwhile....(contd on page 45) Daily Pol-Thel Exclusive! Birthday Boy Che Guevara Alive And Well At 78 Today Shock! by our corr. Beardo Weerawansawathie (SCN Hyde Park Rally Eka, Colombo 14th June 2006) Ernesto Guevara Born June 14, 1928 Rosario, Argentina Died October 9, 1967 La Higuera, Bolivia (with apologies!) Aquí se queda la clara, la entrañable transparencia, de tu querida presencia Comandante Che Guevara. Happy Birthday Dear Che..ay! Happy Birthday To You! There was widespread jollity, shock, awe and "Pissu the Machang?!" when the World, and in particular the Crazy Republic realised today was the 78th Birthday of Dr. Ernesto "Che" Guevara de la Serna of Argentina last seen alive in Colombo, Crazylanka. The famous revolutionary not only played a role as a Major in the Cuban Revolucion but also the non-Revolucion in Bolivia. Most people believe that Che died in Bolivia but the Daily Pol-Thel can reveal today that Che is alive and well in Srilanka smoking Cuban cigars and drinking specially imported Cuban Rum in a country where no alcohol is not allowed! (Shurely, Not "No Alcohol is Not allowed"?- Ed) Che arrived in the Crazy Republic in the 1970s and organised a disastrous La Revolucion under the name of the Janatha Violent Party (JVP) who are now in the present Garment... Wisely, Che himself decided that a quiet life in C7 with a rum, a cigar and a local tart was much preferable to being assasssssssinated by the CIA...(contd on page 92) Leftist: Che in his heyday in Cuba and Right: Che relaxing in Colombo 7 You can't put a good revolushionary down! Che! 40 years on and shtill alive! Too much Arrack..er...Ron, Women and Song? Other News click image JVP Forget To Celebrate Che's 78th Birthday Shock! Pol-Pots Ignore Important Day! by our corr. Totally Batty Weerakone SCN 15-06-2006 Shocking news emerging from the Crazy Republic of SriLanka indicate that the local Pol-Pots forgot to celebrate the 78th Birthday of Ernesto "Che" Guevara. click image Australian Lanka Girl Has 42 Teeth! A Srilankan born Australian girl (left) Danthani Danthawardena is reputed to have a record number of teeth for a human. At last count she had 42 teeth, marginally less than that of a Great White Shark, but like with sharks she seems to produce more teeth every week. As such the locals, as well as the foreigner-tourist-type persons were deprived of the usual colourful red shirts, the banners and the typically Sri Lankan cultural events such as Hurling of the Insults, Hurling of the Stones and Hurling of the Tear Gas. A disappointed skimpily clad young gorgeous British tourist with the white skin, Miss. Lushcia Titmuss said " I am very disappointed like. The travel Agent like told me like it would be fun in like in Crazy Republic like..but like...and I come here like.. and I find...er....like....." (That'sh enough "like" in one sentence like!-Ed) (contd on page 103) "I am at my wit's end!" said her long-suffering mother "Aiyo Darlink! What can I do? Thish girl is costing us a fortune in Dental bills and Dentists don't come cheap here in Melbourne. After she bit the last dentist, who lost his little finger, insurance has also gone up Aney! My husband, spends all day drinking Foster's Lager and is totally useless. His moda suggestion eka is to hit her in the face with a sledgehammer and knock all her teeth out! She sometimes does deserves it! All she does is put make up and pose for pictures....." (contd next week eka)

VOL 5 NO 5 Da Moustache Code Issue 25th May 2006

I Ran Mad Ha? Ask A Jap!.........This is an anagram of the name of a famous Sri Lankan actor. Solve it and WIN a Zillion Rupees!

El Presidente is a lot smater than George W. Bush Shock! Click for archives LATEST KNEWS: Mad Vatican Mullahs and Oppressive Government Ban Good Film Shock! COLOMBO (AP) - Sri Lanka has banned screenings of "The Da Vinci Code'' in theaters (sic!) and local television channels following an appeal by the country's Catholic Bishops Conference, a state-run daily said Thursday. President Mahinda Rajapaksa ordered the ban on the film on Wednesday, the Daily News reported. More Crazyness! New Hundred Rupee Note Launched. Worth less than a Bog Roll! Today the Central Bank launched a new Rs100 banknote (left). However, because of galloping inflammation..er...inflation it is now worth less than a toilet roll and you get more sheets of paper in a toilet roll. The non-desperate not poor people of the Crazy Republic were not trying to add zeros to the new bank notes. COMING SOON!: The Rs 1000000000 bank note! (That'sh enough zeros! - Ed) Mona Rajapakssa the man with the enigmatic smile ....er...moustache! Following the box office success of the film Da Silva Code readers have asked us to publish a pic of the famous Mona Moustache. Click the image for a large print which could be framed.

Major Sri Lankan Actor Gets Role In Da Vinci Code Film! Fails To Find Holy Grail! Bigger image! A story of misguided Religious zeal, Unholy Alliances, Religious groups influencing politics and double and triple crossings! by our Hollywood corr. Ron Howardwardena in a cheap bar wearing a cheap suit (SCN Hollywood) Today there was jubilation in the Crazy Republic when one of our Greatest Actors appeared in the latest Hollywood blockbuster "The Da Vinci Code" in the role of Mona Lisa. Mona Rajapkse, the Man With The Enigmatic Smile, appears alongside Tom Hanks and Audrey Tautou . Previously he has acted alongside Marilyn Monroe and Jayalalitha. Meanwhile, the Crazy Republic is rapidly descending into a War Film and the country is being run by influential groups, drug dealers and Pol-Pots.......The Garment is yet to find the Holy Grail of everlasting peace! Left: Tom Hanks, Audrey Tattoo and MGR, Right: Book cover of De Silva Code by Danapala Bandara Da Silva Code by Dan Bandara Other News Che Guevara does badly at elections shock! JVP routed in Lankan local elections again May 22 (Hindustani Times) The radical Marxist and Sinhala nationalist Janatha Vimukthi Peramuna (JVP) which was routed in the first phase of the Sri Lankan local bodies elections held on March 30, continued its dismal run in the second phase held on May 20. Left: Che Weerawansa Un-Holy Grails Buried In War Zone Shock! Man Dies in landmine blast! Today an archaeologist looking for the Holy Grail had both legs blown off in the war-torn Republic of Crazylanka when he dug up a landmine. His last words were "Holy Shit!" The Holy Grail, also known as "The Peace Process" now seems to be a total myth and is now derisively known as "The Piss Process"!.....(You have done that joke before! - Ed). Man Eater of Vanni Killed by Jim Corbett Today a prominent man-eating tiger by the name of Ramanan Aiyah was killed by a famous tiger hunter. Me! This particular tiger had caused a lot of hardship to the poor local people. So I shot him.

VOL 5 NO 4 Paper Boat War Issue 11th May 2006

My little Pol Putha! Crazy Tourist Adopts Coconut! Today a crazy tourist woman decided to adopt a coconut! "I came all this way to adopt an orphan but ran into a lot of red tape with the idiotic government" said Ms. Coco Nuciferowski of Krakow sitting on Hikkaduwa beach and breast feeding the coconut. "So I adopted a dahling little coconut. He was 10 pounds 2 oz at birth and cost me just Rs30! They were about to husk him and split him open but I intervened in the nick of time! At the moment I am breast feeding him but very soon I will put him on coconut milk. I met his father who is quite straight and tall. A lot of coconuts were orphaned because of the Tsunami. I am glad I could help." Adopt A Coconut! Join the NSPCC (National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Coconuts.)

No War But Fighting Starts! Boys Enjoying Themselves! by our corr. Lingam Mahalingam SCN Point Pedro with additional reporting by Jathika Helaurumasiri SCN Punchi Borella (11-05-2006) The Sri Lankan ceasefire was holding in spite of war breaking out in the waters off Jaffna. In spite of biased reporting by the world media, SCN Sri Lanka Crazy News can categorically say that the war has not broken out! A Crazylanka Navy Cruiser off Negombo A few firecrackers were thrown about and a few paper boats were sunk but the children throughly enjoyed themselves. " We need to do this more often!" said 10-year-old Lingam Murungalingam. "Ennadah! A Sinhala boy just launched a paper boat and I threw one stone and sunk it. He then threw a firecracker at me but it fell in the water and didn't go off!" "Thish Tamil boy tried to attack my paper boat with a stone!" said 11-year-old Lanka Weerawansa. "I retaliated by throwing a lighted firecracker at him which frightened him causing him to wet his trousers! Ha! Ha!" "War is fun!" they both said..... The children were being monitored by Norwegian nannies who have absolutely no child-minding skills! "How can a country which has never really fought a war superwise a war?" asked Che Weerawansa a Marxist Leftist Pol-Pot Beardo who wants to fight the war single handedly. Che Weerawansa has absolutely no experience in fighting a war! Other War Related News Crazylanka Patrol Boats Crazylanka fighter bomber CrazyLanka launches paper planes in Vanni! Today some naughty Sinhalese boys started throwing paper planes in class at their Tamil classmates. The class teachers were powerless to do anything because that would have violated the Fundamental Rights of the boys. The planes however avoided civilian areas. Norwegian Referee Dies! A Norwegian Referee by the name of Trond Furhovaddai died today and will be sadly missed by all the kids that he used to supervise. Trond had been in Sri Lanka at least on three occasions and inspite of the protests of a naughty boy called Weerawansa managed to keep some control over the ongoing match between CrazyLanka vs Crazy Eelam................ SERIOUS LINK: about Trond Furuhovde's death What a land battle would look like... The SLMM has produced the following 'worse-case scenario' re. the impending war... Left: CrazyLanka Army Right: CrazyEelam Army Keep Tuned In To Crazylanka Dot Com for more War Knews! As and when It Doesn't Happen! CrazyEelam Navy. CrazyEelam fighter bomber

VOL 5 NO 3 Butterfly Wings Tissue 5th May 2006

Latest Knews: Major Germicidal...er...Genocidal things happening in the Aknal Irs (once known as Sri Lanka). Major reversal needed. Country to be renamed as Aknal Irs... Crazylanka re-brands itself as Aknalyzarc! Shock? or is it Kcohs?

CRICKET NEWS Bad teeth! Murali Buys Dental Hospital Shock Our corr. Dantha Waidyasekera SCN 9-5-2006 Sri Lankan cricket ace and bowling legend Murali today shocked the world of Dental Health by paying 15 million dollars for a state-of-the-art dental hospital in Mulativu. "My problem ish that becaush of thish cricket business I never had time to brush my teeth three times a day. It was more like three times a month. As a result my teeth are in very, very bad shape as you can see in thish picture. Even my false teeth have got cavities...." explained Murali. "So I decided to buy a dental hospital!"

On the grounds that a film produced by Sri Lankan film producer Handagama shows a nude 14-year old the CrazyGovernment is trying to ban the film Minister revokes Public Performances Board's permission for Handagama film Friday, May 5, 2006, 13:45 GMT, ColomboPage News Desk, Sri Lanka. May 05, Colombo: Ashoka Handagama, the director of the Sinhala film 'Aksharaya', argues that the Minister of Cultural Affairs has no right to revoke the permission for public performance granted to him by the Public Performances Board. Meanwhile, Chief Magistrate Weerawardhana also ordered the Sri Lanka Film Corporation to provide copies of ‘Samanala Thatu’ (Butterfly Wings), directed by Somaratna Dissanayaka, to be viewed by the Police’s Children’s and Women’s Bureau.

King Kassyapa Under House Arrest! Lanka Bans Film Nudity Buy..er... I mean by our bum-licking reporter Deshapremi Pagawansa (SCN Punchi Borella 5-5-2006) but promotes Political Corruption, Prostitution, Meat Eating, Alcohol , Beach Boys, Gangland Killings etc (put this in very small print Editor Sir otherwise I am getting killing by the Garment!) Butterfly Without Wings! Sigiriya Frescoes Banned! Kassyapa is Pornographer Shock! No?

Kassyapa Porno Guy? King Kassyapa Produces Nasty Nude Film Shock! Naughty Sigiriya! Above: Nasty nude still picture of a female person from an ancient film produced by King Kassyapa. CLICK ON IMAGE to read all about King Dathusena as well(also known as Faleel of Katukurunda!) A Sri Lankan Plastic Surgeon Writes: Thish womans breasts are not right! They defy gravity. I can only speculate that King Kassyapa was a good Plastic Surgeon and no doubt was the first person to dishscover..er..I mean ..discover... Silicone! Hic! Give me a large double Arrack with plastic...er I mean ice!  Lolita was a old woman shock! LOL ita! Today, a guy by the name of Vladimir Nabokov admitted that his book Lolita was based on a 63 year old woman and not on a 14-year-old girl. Nabakov spent the last 20 years of his life in Bogambara Prison, Sri Lanka (Is that right? - Ed)  Lolita from the 1960s version Today in its great wisdom, the Garment of the People's Democratic (Democratic? - Ed) Banned a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very wediwela, nasty film which shows a twelve year old child without clothes this being in a poor country where only the Colombo Seven types can afford nice clothings in the Colpetty area and those aiyo nice shops where only my sister Shirani can do the shoppings? No? and any clothes that we make in our Garment Factories are exported to Capitalist Countries and the poor peoples of Mahiyangana, Bintenna, Uraniya, Galenbindunuwewa and even Kelaniya go without clothings. Why the fuss aney? Didn't this film producer chap pay enough bribes. Please President Sir! Moustache Sir! Thish is a Sinhalese South (You mean Southern?- Ed) Man Trying to make living No? Please intervention...er intervene and stop this idiocy....Ahhhh! I am getting the killings! Aiyo! Aney Apoy Why? Readers write (in bad Ingrishy): I do strongly disagree on ban of ‘AKSHARAYA’. This is a violation of my human right. I want to see the film what I want to see. Chief Mag Wants To Watch Dirty Film Free Shock!: ColomboPage News Desk, Sri Lanka. May 05, Colombo Chief Magistrate Weerawardhana also ordered the Sri Lanka Film Corporation to provide copies of ‘Samanala Thatu’ (Butterfly Wings) Not On other pages Politician Does Not Rape and Kill Woman Politician Refuses Bribes Crime Rate Drops by Ten Percent at 3am every morning! Lanka Bans Meat Eating! (But allows export of meat) Lanka Bans Alcohol (Except in bars and hotels frequented by Politicians)

VOL 5 NO 2 Flag Burning Issue 11th Feb 2006
Matterhorn Breaking News! Eelamista Terrorists Buy Mountaineering Gear Shock! by our corr. Chinthana Rajappah in Geneva (SCN 12-02-2006) Emerging reports suggest that the Tigers, having misunderstood the expression "Summit Talks" are preparing themselves for an ascent of the Matterhorn. Thinking that the talks will be held on top of the mountain in Switzerland, the Tigers have ordered ropes, ice picks, tampons (Shouldn't that be crampons? - Ed), thermal underwear and goggles. What a bunch of morons, no? Toon of Prophet Mahinda Rajapassa Cartoons: Thousands Burn Crazylanka Flag by our corr. Gafoor of Baseline Road (SCN Punchi Borella 10th Feb 2006)
There were widespread protests in Rajapassapura, the capital of Sri Lanka, when hundreds of thousands of supporters (actually two!) burned Crazylanka flags in protest against the publication of cartoons of The Prophet Mahinda, who happens to be Presidente of Crazy...er...Sri Lanka. Burning bright! Earlier, Crazylanka had published cartoons of the Prophet in their publication The Daily Pol-Thel. It is generally understood that only flattering cartoons of the Prophet Mahinda can be published and only in the state controlled media. "We will burn any flag that we can get our hands on! We have burnt the flags of Denmark, Estonia, Latvia, Tokelau, Bolivia (Bolivia? Surely some mistake? - Ed), Ethiopia, Burkina Faso and even a stamp-sized flag of Ajerbaijan!" proudly said one protester. "We need more flags! The Garment should provide every household with flags to burn. I have a lazy husband and three children to support. How can I buy flags? " said R. M. Kumarihami of Modera. It is understood that a consignment of Danish flags as well as American flags are still being held up at the Port of Colombo Click banner above for the offending cartoons!
Heartbreaking News!
Old Woman Forced To Hand Back Property Today an old destitute woman by the name of Chandralatha Bandarani Kumaritunga who was once the President of a small Portuguese colony by the name of Ceylan or Sri Lan was asked to hand back her rightful inheritence. This amounted to 285478945.2 Hectares of prime land which will now be handed over to the present incumbent .....
Free Gift From Crazylanka: Cut out and burn a Danish flag!
				Free Gift From Crazylanka! Cut out and burn a Danish flag! Normally, a Danish flag would cost hundreds of Dollars but we are happy to give them away free. Simple! Print the flag left, cut out and apply lighted match. Do not try this indoors and children should be suitably indoctrinated....er supervised at all times. A simple match would do. Do not use expletives...er explosives! Absolutely no risk of peanut allergy!
Other News America to develop flame-proof flags Fed up with American flags being burnt around the world America said it was developing flame-proof flags of the Stars and Stripes.... Denmark To Change Flag As a result of widespread burning of Danish flags Denmark is to change its flag. It is thought that the image of the cross as seen in the design has incensed a lot of anti-Christians. The cross is to be replaced by the image of a pint of Danish beer... Please Help! I am Chandrani. I lost my husband in tragic circumstances and I have three children. I need money to educate them in London. The cruel Garment of the Dictator Moustasché Rajapássa has deprived me of my birthright. I have lost my property. Send money! Box: 1956

VOL 5 NO 1 New Mahinda Christian Era Issue 18th Jan 2006

Peace Talks Where? By Simon Gardner COLOMBO (Reuters) Government officials have said they are willing to be flexible on the choice of a venue, whereas the Tigers are insisting on Oslo. Solheim said the venue was not a major issue, but what the two sides would discuss was. "If they want to meet in Kilinochchi, if they want to meet in Colombo, if they want to meet in Tokyo, Bangkok or in Europe, even if they want to meet on the moon, we are ready to assist them in that. "I will ask the Americans if they can provide the equipment to meet on the moon."

El Presidente Appreciates Cartoons Shock! Expressing his deep sorrow at (cartoonist) Wijesoma`s death, the President said his cartoons `were always a pleasure to see even to those who were the victims of his good hearted lampooning`.

Temple in upheaval over Sri Lankan First Lady's faith (Rediff India LINK)January 17, 2006 Less than three weeks after Sri Lankan President Mahinda Rajapakse prayed at the Sri Krishna Temple at Guruvayoor, Kerala, the temple authorities have posed a question to the state government: Is the president's wife, Shiranthi Rajapakse, a Christian?

Hindu Temple Runs Up Cleaning Bill Shock! by our corr. Shri Muruga Vadivellu of SCN Velvettiturai (near Wellawatte, Colombo, Sri Lanka) 16th Jan 2006 Today a small insignificant Hindu temple in a slummish part of South India was forced to hire contract cleaners because a lovely Sri Lankan female and ex- Beauty Queen by the name of Shri-anthi ( or is it Shira-Aunti?) entered the temple with the main problem being that she was married to a Buddhist moustache attached to the upper lip of a bit-part Sri Lankan actor who happened to be the former Pry Minister now turned President of a small island called Sri Lanka and Hindu traditions are against the ex-Christian wives of hideousely moustached Sri Lankan actors from entering the temple precincts (That was a long sentence Editor Sir!) It is generally understood that this is a mud slinging champagne...er...campaign against the Glorious Sri Lankan Bit Part Actor....(That'sh enough!-Ed) Coming soon!: El Presidente Moustache Launches Foul Mouthed Tirade Against Journalistos! (Expletives Included!) (Shurely Deleted? - Ed)

Other News Christian? or Convent Girl? Prabhakaran is a Christian Shock News emerging from the Crazy Republic of Eelam indicates that El Supremo Moustache Velupillai was born in Wellawatte and attended a convent where he was forced to wear pink frilly dresses by Sinhalese Christian nuns. Since then his behaviour, understandably, has been unacceptable and erratic but was not recognised as such until the Americans decided that he was socially unacceptable and that he should be tried for something or the other together with Saddam Whatsisname etc. This explains his problems as well as the Americans' problems.......we hope! Kaha Watura or Savlon™? Temple of the Tooth to ban Christians shock! Today the main custodian of the Temple of the Dentures, Kandy, Sri Lanka - a clown by the name of Udugampola - announced that henceforth Christians and other non-Buddhists will be banned from the temple. Savlon? "Everytime a Christian enters the temple we have to wash down the premises with 'Kaha Wathura' (Turmeric water or Savlon™). Thish is OK as long as they can pay...er...contribute to the Temple in Dollars. What we don't want is this Sri Lankan fisher-folk type low country smelly Christians from entering the Temple. We don't mind fat Americans in Bermuda shorts with knobbly knees as long as they cover their legs and other exposed parts with Dollar notes!" He Buddhist? No! Founder of JVP was a Catholic Shock! by our corr. Fidel Castro Weerawansa (SCN Havana, Cuba) News emerging from Cuba, Argentina and Bolivia indicated that the founder of the Sri Lankan Revolutionary (Ha! Ha!) Party, the Jathika Violent Party (JVP) was actually a Christian and a Catholic! Argentinian authorities today confirmed that Dr. Ernesto 'Che' Guevara de la Sereña was actually Baptised and is/was therefore a Catholic.

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