| SCN, Srilanka Crazy
News and the slogan "We weed out the serious news" are trademarks of the
|VOL 4 NO
Peeping TOMS Issue
|Lanka Man Escapes London
By our corr. Chetiya
Pachabahu Boruwansa of SCN Haputale
A lankan man had a lucky escape in the
recent London Tube blast it was revealed today. "My whole life
flashed before my eyes when the bombs exploded in London. I must have lost
consciousness briefly but when I awoke I was not injured and not covered in
The man, R.
Saranelis Silva of Haputale, did not even suffer minor cuts from the blast
because at the time of the blast, thanks to Divine providence, he was still in
"I must be the
luckiest person on earth" he said. "Even when the 9/11 attacks happened
I had a very, very narrow escape because for some reason I decided to stay in
Haputale that day!"
also revealed that when the Central Bank in Colombo was bombed he
escaped with no injuries at all as he happened to be in Haputale that
Tsunami struck I had a very, very narrow escape. I happened to be in Haputale
and nearly saw the wave in the distance! I have bad dreams to this day. I need
Garment aid to rebuild my life"
R. Saranelis Silva of
Is Haputale the safest place on earth we
Buy property in
|Latest: British High Commission Issues Travel
by our London
corr. Anthony Blair
Today the British Garment told immigrants not
to come to Britain.
||....Urgent Travel Warning For Visitors To
British High Commission 190 Galle Road,
Kollupitiya (PO Box 1433) Colombo 3
(94) (11) 2437336-43 *
The British High
Commission in Sri Lanka wishes to inform potential travellers to the UK about
the new travel advice issued by Her Majesty's Garment in view of the recent
terrorist activity in London.
Firstly, all potential Refugees
and Asylum Seekers should note that, in view of the present
circumstances in Britain, their own countries are probably safer and a better
option. As such no asylum seekers or refugees will be allowed into Britain
until the present situation has been fully assessed and the country made safer.
We expect this to take 200 years.! Please do not queue
or camp outside the High Commission. We will look at your
applications in strict chronological order and at the rate we get applications
it will take us 200 years anyway.
Students: Students under the age
of 50 are advised to study in a suitable academy in their own country before
attempting to travel to London to study English. ! Frankly, most Britons speak
such bad Engrishy that it is advisable to learn English in your own
Students over the
age of 50 are advised that ! we are not such
idiots. Nobody studies anything after the age of 50. We do not fall for
that sort of bullshit and your visa application therefore will be automatically
Sons and Daughters of Politicians: At present
most politicians prefer to send their sons and daughters to study in Britain.
Indeed this practice first started during Colonial times when the likes of
Solomon Bandaranayake studied in Ealing Academy (next to Ealing Studios, both
now closed). Until the situation is fully assessed we suggest that politicians
send their children to the D.S. Senanayake school or other suitable school in
Colombo. You should also note that this will set a good example to the ordinary
people of your country.
Extreme Left Wing parties should !
renew their affiliations with what is left of the former Soviet
Union. (Ha! Ha! Ha!)
Ajerbaijan is particularly recommended and
quite attractive at anytime of the year. There is also Kazhanistan and Krygzistan
not to mention Norgorno-Bogovo.
of the so called Nationalistic
Parties should stay where they are! i.e. In their own
country and in the cesspits of their own making!
Do remember that throwing
petrol bombs at embassies of the so-called Capitalist countries is not going to
endear you to our Visa Officer.
|P-TOMS GOES AHEAD!
By our corr. Eric Solheimsekera
of Oslo Mawatha, Punchi Borella for SCN
Today the Norwegians forced the P-TOMS agreement
down the throats of Sri Lankans who had no choice but swallow their pride.
"Aiyo, who cares as long as we get Dollars!" said Davinia MountLavinia
of The Orient Hotel. Earlier some men in yellow robes pretended to fast for a
few days but the Garment took no notice....
| Following the
Tsunamini Sri Lankans are offered a lot of Foreign Exchange from G. Bush et
al with a vested interest.
Lankans respond by saying "Machang! Weda hari neda?!"
and go on a spree of celebration.
Reality dawns when the
foreign controllers...er...donors earmark part of the loot for the
buying the weapons" say Pol- Pots and other revolting parties.
All hell breaks loose
as monks are revolting....er...revolt!
Presidente Chandrapala finds herself in a
Presidente Chandrapala's Pol-Pot friends abandon Garment hoping Garment
Garment doesn't collapse! (To be continued....)
Did You Know? P-TOMS stands for Post-Tsunami
Obliteration Of Marxist Shits (Which is very, very, very difficult to say
Usually found at Vihara Maha
Devi Park or near Nurse's Quarters at Punchi Borella.
Watch courting couples
(That'sh enough! - Ed)
|VOL 4 NO
Goodbye, Indian Ocean!
Man Wins Contract
To Carry Water!
(water bearer) Nilame elected
Mushtaq in Colombo, July 1, 2005, 8.10 p.m.. Ratnapura's Saman Devale Basnayake
Nilame Nilanga Dela Bandara was elected as the 19th Diyawadana Nilame to the
Sri Dalada Maligawa today. The election was held at 1.30 p.m. at the Eksath
Bauddha Mandalaya in Kandy amidst tight security
(Why security? - Ed)
|Happy 100th Birthday, El Presidente!
The Daily Pol-Thel wishes El Presidente Chandrapala of the Crazy
Republic a Happy Hundreth Birthday! Hope you had a nice cake.
|Sri Lanka To Move Out Of Indian Ocean Site!
By our corr. Somachan Somadasa, SCN , Chiang Mai
31st June 2005
|Sheltered Position Provides
Protection From Tsunamis!
Same Latitude but better
Above: How the new Buddist Empire might look like! (Not
|Today the whole World
and India especially, were in a total state of shock when Sri Lanka announced
plans to move out of the present Indian Ocean site and relocate itself in the
Gulf of Thailand in close proximity to the other Buddisht countries of
Thailand, Cambodia and Laos.
Relocate to Gulf of
"We are fed up with the
Indians considering our Glorioush country as a poor relation!" said
Professor Jathika Helaurumasekera, Professor of Geography at the
University of Yatikinda (Where'sh that? -
Ed). "The Kallathonis keep swimming across the Palk Straits and now
the idiot Indian Garment is to build a ship canal completely by-passing the Sri
Lanka and Aiyo...!" he further added.
Whilst this news was greeted with
jubilation, especially by politicians who will now find it easy to go shopping
in the Bangkok, some peoples were septical..er..sceptical. "Aney! we may be
the Drop At The End Of India's Tip but that is better than getting stuck up the
Gulf of Thailand! Who wants to be stuck up the back passage of Thailand?"
said Davinia Mountlavinia, a lap dancer at the Hotel Orient.
Thai girls!" said a prominent fat politician who is named after the airport. "I
don't mind moving!"
Leave Eelam Behind?
There were calls from some
peoples to leave the uncleared, Tiger infested landmined area claimed by
terrorists to be their homeland. "In one stroke we will not only be forming a
Buddhist Empire with Thailand, Kampuchea and Laos but we will be seeing the
last of the Thosai eating-smelly Jaffna cigar smoking...(Cut it! - Ed).." said Rev. Narammpanawe
Rathanajothi who hopes to open a new temple in Bangkok.
|Minor Logistical Difficulties
"There are of
course minor logistical difficulties!" said Professor
Helaurumasekera. " First we might have to demolish a few unimportant
islands like Phangan, Samui, Chang, Ma, Kut and Singapore in the gulf. Then we
need to turn the island completely over so that it will fit into the shape of
the Gulf of Thailand.
North and South
will remain the same but East and West will be transposed.
There will be a little bit of
confusion at first but then we are used to confusion everyday. Of course it
will be easier if we leave all the uncleared areas behind but we have to
take Jaffna town and Trinco with us!"
Indian Ocean will look like without the Sri Lanka! (Artist's
(Left) A two-week-old Sri Lankan Albino cobra raises its head
at the National Zoological Gardens in Colombo, Sri Lanka, June 29, 2005.
In April 2005, a female albino cobra
laid 20 eggs. 13 snakes emerged from the eggs on June 16, 2005, zoo officials
said. REUTERS/Anuruddha Lokuhapuarachchi Reuters - Jun 29 5:21
AM.......Whoops! Wrong captions! Shorry, Editor Shir!(You are sacked! - Ed)
Sri Lanka's Marxists People's
|VOL 4 NO
Drastic Diet Issue
|Latest Knews! 20th June 2005
Another Monk Asks For
and.....JVP Pol-Pots Leave Garment But Not Sadly
Buy..er...By our corr.
Weeramuni Wanninayaka email@example.com
Todayo, el imbecilio JVP bandidos and
señor "Che" Weerawansa con amude vamoss out of El Presidente
Chandrapala Pol Thel Republico no causing mucho problemo!
Ha! Ha! Ha! Yarriwa! Yarriwa!
Just write something
like vaya con dios my darling or escondido estacion ferrocarrilles cemeteria
and I am running out of spanish words pleeze help!
Sri Bolivian El Presidente Carlos
Send a Tear Gas Grenade to Lanka!
There is a serious
shortage of tear gas grenades in Sri Lanka.
Please donate a grenade. All
major credit cards including Crazylankacard
NOW! or phone.
The Mc Malupaan Corp. of Punchi
Borella is to launch an internet based service for sending
Dhana to monks in Sri Lanka. Known as Dhana Express we expect to cover
most of the coastal belt and Kandy.
Send a Dhana and get a Nirvana
Voucher worth $10 free!
|Sri Bolivian president plans resignation
Monday, June 6, 2005 Posted: 10:51 PM
EDT (0251 GMT) LA PAZ, Bolivia (AP) -- El President Carlos Mesa Bandaranayake
(Shurely shome resemblance? - Ed) offered to
resign Monday night, seeking to quell weeks of anti-government protests that
have paralyzed parts of the country. The offer came as tens of thousands of
Buddhist monks and looney leftie pol-pots protested in downtown La Paz in their
largest anti-government march in weeks.
A Bad Taste Advert sent in by a reader and a rather crude
attempt at immitating the world famous Crazylanka pictoons. ( Note: This ad
will be removed as soon as we get no complaints.)
News: Monk Gives Up Diet! Asks for McMalupaan!
By our corr. W. Wanninayaka (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Today a monk by the name of Omalpe Malupaan
Thero gave up his diet just after two hours and ate a McMalupaan with
tomato sauce. He was not suffering from malnutrition. Other people in the
country have no food....
|Other Famous Dieters
|Jesus Christ: Once
starved for 30days before asking for a Domino Pizza
Muslims (except Faleel Akbar of Kalutara) fast at Ramadan (but gorge themselves
Anura Bandaranayake: Once fasted for two
|Monk Wins Hurdles
A monk jumps over a
AFP / SENA
of June is Dr. Ernesto "Che"
Guevera de la Serena's birthday
Che's beliefs and actions were very different from
those of the politicians in Sri Lanka who are using his name in vain.
We at Crazylanka salute Che for
the great sacrifice he made in fighting the Global Warmongers.
Dieting Saves Monk's Life! say
|Monk Goes On
By our corr.
Rev. Narammpanawe "Soda Epa!" Rathanajothi (SCN 6-6-05, near Temple of
the Dentures, Kandy)
Today, a Sri Lankan monk went on a diet! The poor
long suffering hungry starving malnourishmented peoples were very, very unhappy
that they couldn't offer him Dhana (alms) and thereby make their way to
Karl Marx was talking rubbish and goma when he saying "Opium is
the ...er...Religion is the Ganja of the masses!" Poor people in the Sri Lanka
want to feed monks. I am not on a hunger
strike, by the way!
|A Doctor Says.....
|Dieting Is Good For You and The Country!
Dr. Prof. Siddhartha Wedasinghe (MBBS, GMOA,
Dip.Nutrition Calcutta,) University of Narthupana, near
Generally speaking dieting
is good for you especially if you are an overfed, fat, freeboarding, bloated
monk or a politician or BOTH!.
What happens is regularly eating free meals or Dhana causes an
accumulation of nasty, nasty things like Cholesterol, Lecithin and Di-Aceto
Marzipan in your coronary blood vessels leading to a Heart Attack
and sudden death unless you visit me at the Apollo Clinic Pvt.
I can save your
Poor people of Mahiyangana, Dambarawa and in the shanty towns of
Colombo need not bother as they don't overeat....in fact, they have nothing to
In any case they don't have money
to pay me.....As for the country, if people who are poor don't eat then the
Thish monk is setting a good